Digital Common Sense

They’re back. And it’s probably a spoofed address, but I’m in retaliation mode and already blacklisted the first IP to show up. Comment spammers should be persecuted. Then prosecuted. Then persecuted some more.

Sadly I can’t prosecute, but happily I do know how to persecute the bastards.

Filed by Ken at 5:45 pm under Technology
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You get email querying about your availability as keynote speaker in Buenos Aires for an event titled “Blueprint for Converged IP Strategy” and have to dismiss it as a conflict without even being able to give it due consideration. But hopefully one of the friends and colleagues I’ve referred will pick it up and enjoy the trip.

Meanwhile, as an escape from insanity, this weekend will be spent camping out on Mt. Rainier rather than working, blogging or otherwise wasting important minutes of life. I’d say “I’ll be thinking of you,” but it would be a lie.

Filed by Ken at 5:20 pm under General
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An interesting comment from Sri on a post of a few days ago led me to Technology Initiatives for Peace

In the last 100 years, much of technology has been spawned to serve the cause of war - aircraft, radar, laser, even the Internet.

Now the tide is turning - initiatives like Google, Blogger, MeetUp, CraigsList, Freecycle and Friendster are serving to bring people together, to make information open and transparent. Open source projects have taken firm hold. Examples like Linux, Apache, Python, Firefox are changing not only how software is developed, the economics of software development and distribution, but even how governments and corporations are adopting such open source technologies.

I read it all. You should too. I linked a couple pf the references for more reading and investigation when I have a bit of free time. Wanted to post it here for those of you who may not have seen these but will be interested as well.

Filed by Ken at 11:03 am under Technology
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but motivations have been dragging much of my attention elsewhere of late. I resolve to work on that. Some.

*** mo:Blogged ***

Filed by Ken at 9:31 pm under General
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June 24, BBC News Computer passwords ‘up for grabs’ according to IT security firm.
Half of IT managers employed by largesized companies believe it would be relatively easy to gain the core passwords for their computer systems. That is the warning of a survey by IT security firm, CyberArk. It said that ten percent of firms never changed their central administrative passwords. A further five percent did not even bother altering the manufacturer’s default password that came with the system. The survey also found one IT boss who kept all passwords on his mobile phone. Less than a third of IT managers store key passwords digitally, the survey of 175 IT professionals revealed. The remainder continued to keep paper copies, stored everywhere from locked cabinets to safes. About 25% of IT staff could, as a result, access the core passwords without official permission, the survey said. The survey found that IT managers estimate 19% of general staff in their firms still keep their passwords on notepaper beside their computers.
CyberArk Press Release
Source

Filed by Ken at 11:35 pm under InfoSec, Technology
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Shifted to a new theme file and will see how it does for handhelds, different browsers, etc. Let me know it it whacks something out on your end.

Filed by Ken at 6:00 pm under General
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The People of the Pacific Northwest
(According To Jeff Foxworthy)

1. You know the state flower (Mildew)
2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
3. Use the statement “sun break” and know what it means.
4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the “Walk” Signal. (ours say “swim”)
8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted,it is not a real mountain.
9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle’s Best,and Veneto’s.
10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye Salmon.
11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon,Yakima, and Willamette.
12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.
13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, Korean,Vietnamese and Thai food.
14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in thedark-while only working eight-hour days.
15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
16. You are not fazed by “Today’s forecast: showers followed byrain,” and “Tomorrow’s forecast: rain followed by showers.” [Olympia’s weather ]
17. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.
20. You notice, “The mountain is out!” when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.
23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time.
26. You measure distance in hours.
27. You often switch from “heat” to “a/c” in the same day.
28. You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk Season(Fall).
30. You actually understood these jokes and will probably forward them.

Filed by Ken at 4:09 pm under General
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-back, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”

Filed by Ken at 2:46 pm under General
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Thanks to Lorraine over at Culture Kitchen for posting the following. In the interest of spreading and sharing, I’m reposting the entire declaration here.

A New Declaration of Independence
by Emma Goldman
Published in Mother Earth, Vol. IV, no. 5, July 1909

When, in the course of human development, existing institutions prove inadequate to the needs of man, when they serve merely to enslave, rob, and oppress mankind, the people have the eternal right to rebel against, and overthrow, these institutions.

The mere fact that these forces–inimical to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness–are legalized by statute laws, sanctified by divine rights, and enforced by political power, in no way justifies their continued existence.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all human beings, irrespective of race, color, or sex, are born with the equal right to share at the table of life; that to secure this right, there must be established among men economic, social, and political freedom; we hold further that government exists but to maintain special privilege and property rights; that it coerces man into submission and therefore robs him of dignity, self-respect, and life.

The history of the American kings of capital and authority is the history of repeated crimes, injustice, oppression, outrage, and abuse, all aiming at the suppression of individual liberties and the exploitation of the people. A vast country, rich enough to supply all her children with all possible comforts, and insure well-being to all, is in the hands of a few, while the nameless millions are at the mercy of ruthless wealth gatherers, unscrupulous lawmakers, and corrupt politicians. Sturdy sons of America are forced to tramp the country in a fruitless search for bread, and many of her daughters are driven into the street, while thousands of tender children are daily sacrificed on the altar of Mammon. The reign of these kings is holding mankind in slavery, perpetuating poverty and disease, maintaining crime and corruption; it is fettering the spirit of liberty, throttling the voice of justice, and degrading and oppressing humanity. It is engaged in continual war and slaughter, devastating the country and destroying the best and finest qualities of man; it nurtures superstition and ignorance, sows prejudice and strife, and turns the human family into a camp of Ishmaelites.

We, therefore, the liberty-loving men and women, realizing the great injustice and brutality of this state of affairs, earnestly and boldly do hereby declare, That each and every individual is and ought to be free to own himself and to enjoy the full fruit of his labor; that man is absolved from all allegiance to the kings of authority and capital; that he has, by the very fact of his being, free access to the land and all means of production, and entire liberty of disposing of the fruits of his efforts; that each and every individual has the unquestionable and unabridgeable right of free and voluntary association with other equally sovereign individuals for economic, political, social, and all other purposes, and that to achieve this end man must emancipate himself from the sacredness of property, the respect for man-made law, the fear of the Church, the cowardice of public opinion, the stupid arrogance of national, racial, religious, and sex superiority, and from the narrow puritanical conception of human life. And for the support of this Declaration, and with a firm reliance on the harmonious blending of man’s social and individual tendencies, the lovers of liberty joyfully consecrate their uncompromising devotion, their energy and intelligence, their solidarity and their lives.

As we move ahead in time in America, we hear things of concern. I heard some discussion recently that the administration may begin treating views counter to their own as is support of insurgency. Pretty interesting misuse of language for a country that was founded on well documented rebellion and insurgency.

Frankly, I’m all for insurgency. I work in the tech sector where we call insurgents disruptive technologies. Insurgency isn’t always a bad thing. And while quoting a B-grade movie by Disney isn’t something I do often, Nicholas Cage’s toast in National Treasure seems quite appropriate - “To treason.” because our founding fathers and those insurgents that founded our democracy were all committing acts of treason when they took the first steps down the path we currently tred.

This has been in my thoughts for awhile lately, but I’ve not taken the time to put any thoughts to paper. As a Viet Nam veteran, I was involved in an unpopular conflict. At that age, I don’t think most of us knew why were we there. Today, years later, people still wonder why we were there. But what I am unequiviocally proud of is that I contributed to my country’s defense and put myself and the call of military service. I hold our armed forces in the highest esteem. They are a band of brothers, and now sisters, who serve together to protect us, sometimes at home, sometimes abroad, but so often underappreciated and overlooked. I thought about that term band of brothers in a blog post back in 2003, but the thoughts there hold much stronger when we think about where our country came from and where it’s headed.

As we approach Independence Day, I think it’s important that we do two things. First, we need to recognize that is isn’t the 4th of July. That’s a calendar date. That’s a date for picnics, BBQs and play. But the reason…the foundation of the day is to celebrate achieving our independence. It’s a celebration of success. The other thing that’s important to me is to send thoughts of thanks and supports to our brothers, sisters, sons and daughters who are currently putting themselves “out there” on our behalf. Many are in harm’s way. Some are not, but easily could be. Their service in the military inherently means that they could be palced in harm’s way on our behalf at any time. We should be thankful for them…for the people they are.

And every time I think those thoughts, this comes to mind again -

This day is called the feast of Crispian: He that outlives this day, and comes safe home, Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named, And rouse him at the name of Crispian. He that shall live this day, and see old age, Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours, And say ‘To-morrow is Saint Crispian:’ Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars. And say ‘These wounds I had on Crispin’s day.’ Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot, But he’ll remember with advantages What feats he did that day: then shall our names. Familiar in his mouth as household words Harry the king, Bedford and Exeter, Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester, Be in their flowing cups freshly remember’d. This story shall the good man teach his son; And Crispin Crispian shall ne’er go by, From this day to the ending of the world, But we in it shall be remember’d; We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; For he to-day that sheds his blood with me Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile, This day shall gentle his condition: And gentlemen in England now a-bed Shall think themselves accursed they were not here, And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day.

Filed by Ken at 4:47 pm under General
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Reposting the thought if not the actual post.

Here’s the horsepower to make it all go. My new F-150 with a nice gas guzzling V-8. I raelly contemplated an F-250 to pull a good sized 5th wheel, but the truth is I lean more towards modesty and simplicity and don’t want to pull a big huge beast. Too cumbersome in tight spots and not especially agreeable in back roads to fly fishing secret places.

There’s what I’m aiming for, and while it might look big, that’s a little 19 footer that could still sleep 6 in a pinch, but is really built as a rolling escape for two. Don’t have it yet, but that’s what I’m working toward.

I hear Roger Miller singing in the background…

Filed by Ken at 8:37 pm under Meandering
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Reposting this as I fiddle with pictures and the template. Connor enjoying the simple things in life.

Filed by Ken at 8:22 pm under General
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One thing I’ve struggled with since going to this template is that pictures never fit right because so much screen space is wasted with the template. I had to delete a couple that pushed my toolbar on the right to the bottom of the page today. I’ll repost as I can. And I’m going to have to do something with this stupid template.

Filed by Ken at 1:20 pm under General
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There’s an interesting, if not unexpected (to any Dell customer) rant over at BuzzMachine… by Jeff Jarvis. His bottom line contention is that Dell lies. Dell sucks

I didn’t comment there because I rarely read there. I did however note a common thread and the root cause of the problem that I feel worth commenting on.

First, with regard to Dell service, it is not an unknown. It’s neither particularly better nor worse than anyone else’s. Computer manufacturer support is like an EPA estimate…your mileage may vary.

Based on that, if the work you do is mission critical, don’t you have a backup plan? If you make your living with a computer, do you really rely on one and put your livelihood at that kind of rrisk?

I recently had a hard drive crash on a Dell laptop, and yes, the impact of a failure is painful for any of us. But I own 4 Dell laptops and 2 Toshibas. My employer provides my “work” system, which is yet another Dell laptop. Backup files. Backup network connections. Backup systems. That’s life in the real world, and network admins have known this for years.

If you put all your eggs in one basket, you’re going to wind up with scrambled eggs. Welcome to Earth.

Filed by Ken at 11:26 am under General
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I’m going to take the liberty of quoting this entire thing for those of you who may not take the time to click and follow the link to HoustonChronicle.com20-20Steffy3A20An20open20letter20to20dearest20MasterCard
By LOREN STEFFY
Copyright 2005 Houston Chronicle

Dear MasterCard,
This is to inform you of a change in our credit agreement. It has come to my attention that you are unable to keep my credit and debit card information safe.

You recently revealed that data on more than 40 million accounts may have been exposed to fraud because of a security breach at a payment processing company. Information in about 200,000 accounts is known to have been stolen.

It’s probably the biggest case of consumer data being compromised to date, which is saying something given what’s gone on in the past few months. Just a few weeks ago, Citigroup revealed that it lost data on 4 million customers at its CitiFinancial unit.

Bank of America lost records on 1.2 million customers. Then there’s the security breaches at the credit bureau ChoicePoint and the theft of customer credit card and purchase data at more than 100 of Retail Ventures’ DSW Shoe Warehouse stores.

As for you, MasterCard, you said that working with law enforcement you identified breaches at CardSystems Solutions in Tucson, Ariz. The processor with the ironic name — CardSystems Problems now seems more appropriate — handles more than $15 billion worth of transactions a year.

What are we, as consumers, to do? I spent a lot of time over the past few days wrestling with this question, and then the answer came in the mail.

It came in the form of a notice from one of my credit card companies (not you, this time) that had decided to change the terms of the credit agreement and tell me about it after the fact.

It’s funny how you guys can’t keep track of our account information, but you have no trouble keeping track of the sundry fees you levy against us.

You probably see where I’m going with this. What’s sauce for us consumer geese is sauce for you, the credit card gander.

Revised agreement
So here goes:

Effective May 1, 2005, any compromise of my data will result in a $50 liability for you, the card issuer, owed to me, the card holder.

Cashing the payment check I sent you last month (which you did) shall constitute your acceptance of this agreement. Subsequent security breaches will compound the fee. I will spell out the terms of just how much these fees and related costs will escalate as soon as I find a typeface that is small enough.

Failure to comply with these changes will result in finance charges, compounded monthly and based on the average daily balance of the amount lost to fraud.

By the way, I recently incorporated myself in South Dakota, which means I can now engage in usury as much as you can. Therefore, I have selected an annual percentage rate of 28.7 percent. However, failure to make payments will force me to raise this rate to 73.9 percent, just because I can.

And one more thing. I expect my payment to be on my desk by 12:37 p.m. on the day it’s due. I’m usually at lunch at that time, so I will consider it late if it’s not there by 11:24 a.m. After that, all the previously listed finance charges will apply. The date the payment is mailed is irrelevant.

Also, given the widespread nature of the security problems, I am going to share information with my fellow consumers. If I determine you failed to secure their private account information, I may be forced to enact the terms specified in this agreement even though you did not violate the agreement with me. Call it universal default in reverse.

One more thing
Before I close, let me take a minute to tell you about an exciting new offer: security breach insurance.

For the low, low price of just $45 a month, I will agree to waive the fees described in my new fraud prevention agreement. Finance charges will still apply. I also require a $30 processing fee.

It’s a small price for piece of mind. Just think, no longer will you have to worry about the cost of your incompetence. Just think of the savings!

I believe that these changes will greatly enhance our mutual credit experience. I look forward to the benefits of our new and improved relationship.

Fondly,

Your loyal customer.

Filed by Ken at 11:14 am under General
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I can’t vouch for the veracity of this. It came in email and I pass it along at face value. And add my two cents. I served my role in Viet Nam in another generation. Now there are others who serve and protect. They’re our heroes today.

Tommi, we have nevver met. It’s highly likely we never will. But it doesn’t matter. You’re still my personal hero today, and my thoughts are often with you standing at the gate. You’re my hero, but don’t be a hero.

Ben Stein’s Last Column…

For many years Ben Stein has written a biweekly column called “Monday Night At Morton’s.” (Morton’s is a famous chain of Steakhouses known to be frequented by movie stars and famous people from around the globe.) Now, Ben is terminating the column to move on to other things in his life. Reading his final column is worth a few minutes of your time.

============================================
How Can Someone Who Lives in Insane Luxury Be a Star in Today’s World?

As I begin to write this, I “slug” it, as we writers say, which means I put a heading on top of the document to identify it. This heading is “eonlineFINAL,” and it gives me a shiver to write it. I have been doing this column for so long that I cannot even recall when I started. I loved writing this column so much for so long I came to believe it would never end.

It worked well for a long time, but gradually, my changing as a person and the world’s change have overtaken it. On a small scale, Morton’s, while better than ever, no longer attracts as many stars as it used to. It still brings in the rich people in droves and definitely some stars. I saw Samuel L. Jackson there a few days ago, and we had a nice visit, and right before that, I saw and had a splendid talk with Warren Beatty in an elevator, in which we agreed that Splendor in the Grass was a super movie. But Morton’s is not the star galaxy it once was, though it probably will be again.

Beyond that, a bigger change has happened. I no longer think Hollywood stars are terribly important. They are uniformly pleasant, friendly people, and they treat me better than I deserve to be treated. But a man or woman who makes a huge wage for memorizing lines and reciting them in front of a camera is no longer my idea of a shining star we should all look up to.

How can a man or woman who makes an eight-figure wage and lives in insane luxury really be a star in today’s world, if by a “star” we mean someone bright and powerful and attractive as a role model? Real stars are not riding around in the backs of limousines or in Porsches or getting trained in yoga or Pilates and eating only raw fruit while they have Vietnamese girls do their nails.

They can be interesting, nice people, but they are not heroes to me any longer. A real star is the soldier of the 4th Infantry Division who poked his head into a hole on a farm near Tikrit, Iraq. He could have been met by a bomb or a hail of AK-47 bullets. Instead, he faced an abject Saddam Hussein and the gratitude of all of the decent
people of the world.

A real star is the U.S. soldier who was sent to disarm a bomb next to a road north of Baghdad. He approached it, and the bomb went off and killed him.

A real star, the kind who haunts my memory night and day, is the U.S. soldier in Baghdad who saw a little girl playing with a piece of unexploded ordnance on a street near where he was guarding a station. He pushed her aside and threw himself on it just as it exploded. He left a family desolate in California and a little girl alive in Baghdad.

The stars who deserve media attention are not the ones who have lavish weddings on TV but the ones who patrol the streets of Mosul even after two of their buddies were murdered and their bodies battered and stripped for the sin of trying to protect Iraqis from terrorists.

We put couples with incomes of $100 million a year on the covers of our magazines. The noncoms and officers who barely scrape by on military pay but stand on guard in Afghanistan and Iraq and on ships and in submarines and near the Arctic Circle are anonymous as they live and die.

I am no longer comfortable being a part of the system that has such poor values, and I do not want to perpetuate those values by pretending that who is eating at Morton’s is a big subject.

There are plenty of other stars in the American firmament…the policemen and women who go off on patrol in South Central and have no idea if they will return alive; the orderlies and paramedics who bring in people who have been in terrible accidents and prepare them for surgery; the teachers and nurses who throw their whole spirits into caring for autistic children; the kind men and women who work in
hospices and in cancer wards.

Think of each and every fireman who was running up the stairs at the World Trade Center as the towers began to collapse. Now you have my idea of a real hero.

I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters. This is my highest and best use as a human. I can put it another way. Years ago, I realized I could never be as great an actor as Olivier or as good a comic as Steve Martin…or Martin Mull or Fred Willard–or as good an economist as Samuelson or Friedman or as good a writer as Fitzgerald. Or even remotely close to any of them.

But I could be a devoted father to my son, husband to my wife and, above all, a good son to the parents who had done so much for me. This came to be my main task in life. I did it moderately well with my son, pretty well with my wife and well indeed with my parents (with my sister’s help). I cared for and paid attention to them in
their declining years. I stayed with my father as he got sick, went into extremis and then into a coma and then entered immortality with my sister and me reading him the Psalms.

This was the only point at which my life touched the lives of the soldiers in Iraq or the firefighters in New York. I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters and that it is my duty, in return for the lavish life God has devolved upon me, to help others He has placed in my path. This is my highest and best use as a human.

Faith is not believing that God can. It is knowing that God will.

By Ben Stein

Filed by Ken at 6:31 pm under General
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For quite some time I’ve been looking to escape. To facilitate escape. Life is far to short to invest it all in work, yet like so many people, that’s what I seem to do.

There was a time I really thought I’d go after a big heavy duty truck and monster 5th wheel trailer, but the truth is that I’m far more minimalist in spirit than that. My destination is made up back roads, wide open spaces, quiet holes in the universe, largely overlooked and ignored. Time spent fly fishing, writing, taking pictures, and living life. At least during the moments when escape is possible.

So now I’m thinking something cozy like this little gem, which would pull behind my truck like it isn’t even there.

Filed by Ken at 7:11 pm under Meandering
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June 15, Associated Press — Poll: Most Americans want U.S. government to make Internet safe. Most Americans believe the government should do more to make the Internet safe, but they don’t trust the federal institutions that are largely responsible for creating and enforcing laws online, according to a new industry survey. People who were questioned expressed concerns over threats from identity theft, computer viruses and unwanted “spam” e−mails. But they held low opinions toward Congress and the Federal Trade Commission, which protects consumers against Internet fraud. The FBI scored more favorably among Internet users in the survey but still lower than technology companies. The survey was funded by the Washington−based Cyber Security Industry Alliance. “There are some mixed signals here,” said Paul Kurtz, the group’s executive director and a former White House cybersecurity official. “There is definitely a desire to see government provide more leadership, but there is some anxiety about what ultimately might come out.” The survey said 71 percent of people believe Congress needs to pass new laws to keep the Internet safe.
Survey
Source

Filed by Ken at 9:45 am under Technology
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Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?”

“Well, “he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired a consultant to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.”

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked “After you get it out, how do you put it back?” “Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

Filed by Ken at 9:45 am under General
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My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs, and roll out pie crust on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn’t seem to get food poisoning. My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes too, but I can’t remember getting E-coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), the term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE . . . and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked’s (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can’t recall any injuries, but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. Flunking gym was not an option, even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot. How much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the school system.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and the pledge and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention. We must have had horribly damaged psyches.

I can’t understand it. Schools didn’t offer 14 year olds an abortion or condoms (we wouldn’t have known what either was anyway) but they did give us a couple of baby aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles. What an archaic health system we had then.

Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything. I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can’t recall how bored we were without computers, PlayStation, Nintendo, X-Box or 270 digital cable stations. I must have repressed that memory as I try to rationalize through the denial of the dangers that could have befallen us as we treked off each day about a mile down the road to some guy’s vacant lot, built forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger. What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot. He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm.

Oh yeah . . . and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed! We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of mercurochrome and then we got our butt spanked. Now it’s a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horrribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat. We didn’t act up at the neighbor’s house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked (physical abuse) there too . . . and then we got our butt spanked again when we got home. Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks (remember why Tonka trucks were made tough . . . it wasn’t so that they could take the rough Berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car with leaded gas. Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on two week vacations.

I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent. Summers were spent behind the push lawnmower and I didn’t even know that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive. How sick were my parents?

Of course my parents weren’t the only phychos. I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck. To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family . How could we possibly have known that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn’t even notice that the entire country wasn’t taking Prozac!

HOW DID WE SURVIVE?????

EASY — SIMPLY; “IN GOD WE TRUST”

Filed by Ken at 7:41 pm under General
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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she’s lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

“Whew!”, says the leopard, “That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: “Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”

Moral of this story…

Don’t mess with old farts…age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

Filed by Ken at 8:20 pm under General
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