7/27/2005

Future Headlines

Headlines from the year 2029 —

Baby conceived naturally - - scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can no w be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

(I just posted it. I didn’t write it!)

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

* Filed by Ken at 6:11 pm under General

One Response to “Future Headlines”

  1. Mary Godwin
    July 27th, 2005 | 8:18 pm

    What a hoot, Ken! These headlines made for a light-and-fun-read ending to an otherwise demanding day in Minnesota. Thanks. The only headline I felt compelled to rewrite was: “Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congresswoman. Ha! In twenty-five years we’re bound to make at least that much improvement. -mg